Task #2: Coping with Emotional Pain of Loss

Coping with Emotional Pain

The Use of Mindfulness in Working with Grief

It’s important for you not to forget there are other emotions available to you as well: Joy, bliss, rapture, happiness, peace, calm, equanimity, contentment. The capacity is still in you, though temporarily hidden, waiting for the opportunity to surprise you.

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A mindfulness teacher I’m acquainted with told the story of a man who attended a retreat he was teaching for Vietnam veterans. The individual had PTSD and had had nightmares for many years. At the time he attended the retreat they had become so bad that he was having daytime hallucinations of the horrible and unspeakable things he had witnessed. When the teacher instructed him to stay with the hallucination, to go into it, be curious about it, the veteran thought the teacher didn’t understand. Still, the veteran also knew that over all these years nothing else had worked. So, he took the risk.

By the end of the retreat the teacher and all of the others on the retreat could clearly recognize something remarkable had happened just by looking at him.

At the closing session he was asked what had changed. He said that ever since the war all he could see was the horror of the maimed and the dead American service personnel and the Vietnamese, including the women and children. He then told about how angry and insulted he was with the teacher’s instructions. But he decided to try following the instructions anyway. Entering into the hallucination, he discovered that the horror was still there, but he also discovered something else. He discovered that all of the horror was taking place in the midst of something so beautiful that it was greater than the horror. He saw the beauty of the jungle and the wildlife and the bountiful colors and smells of creation; and he recognized it to was there all the time. He couldn’t see it because he couldn’t stay present with the horror long enough for his eyes to open to the beauty also. When he recognized that the beauty was there as well, the hallucinations were transformed.

Mindfulness of Feelings

Feelings and emotions arise before you are consciously aware of them. Emotions are the biological response to a perception. If we “see” a snake, an emotion arises that regulates a biological reaction, the experience of which we call “fear.” Sometimes the perception is based on an external reality (you actually did see a real snake), other times it’s based on an internal “reality” (I’m afraid that there might be a snake in that bush).

When we experience trauma our perception can be skewed by past experience. The second step in “grief as spiritual practice” is to learn how to stay present with our emotional experience so that we might distinguish the source of our perceptions. (Is there truly a snake in the grass or do I suspect there might be a snake in the grass? Could it in fact be a twig in the grass, or maybe a wild flower caught in the shadow of the sun?). Is this loss really the end of my existence, or is it the end of existence as I’ve known it and the beginning of a new existence?

Continuing on this spiritual journey, again create a space that is safe and relatively free of distraction. Sitting in a posture where you can stay awake and attentive, bring your attention to the experience of your breath, the simple and exquisite movement of the air into and out of the diaphragm of your body. Then, when you’ve breathing begins to settle, proceed with the following practice:

Be kind with yourself. The object of working with Mindfulness practice is to bring peace and joy, not to add one more burden to your life.

Don’t set an expectation for yourself that is unrealistic.

Fear, anger, and guilt are three common emotions that are associated with loss and grief. If you set an unreal-istic expectation you will only fuel these emotions. Befriending yourself, especially at a time when you are in the midst of loss and grief, can overcome these emotions.

Treat yourself as your own friend. If you can, be as gentle with yourself as a gentle rain that falls upon the earth simply and without discrimination.

Grief As Spiritual Practice

Task #2: Coping with the emotional pain of loss

Now you must face reality. But the pain of reality is excruciating. So at the same time you intuitively try to protect yourself from it.

Maturity and regression will sit in the dark with you like quarreling children, both of them your own, neither of them can you live with or without; the quarreling can be maddening. On one hand, facing the reality of your loss initiates emotional pain that in turn triggers all of your defenses to protect you from pain. On the other hand, attention is demanded where it hadn’t been before. New roles are required of you. The disruptive changes of psychological, spiritual and material realities demand your attention. You are in the proverbial dilemma: Fish or cut bait.

You get up, wash your face, put on your clothes, comb your hair, and go out into the world. You look great on the outside but you’re a mess on the inside. You feel as if your life were strewn about in disarray like a broken strand of beads. Some of the pieces are lost and none of what’s left fit together the way they’re supposed to; never mind whether they did before, at least before it was a “familiar” mess, reliably out of control perhaps.

Spend 15 – 20 min minimum twice a day with this exercise, whether you feel you need it or not. As you practice you will soon learn that the practice is a refuge. At first it will be difficult. The challenge will be to spend 15 minutes doing the practice when the mind and body are in total rebellion. Don’t worry, the mind and body will get the message: “This is a place of sanity.”

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You are also encouraged to practice an informal mindfulness meditation throughout the course of the day.

Be attentive to pleasant events that arise throughout your day. To do this you will need to be attentive to the events of the day as you experience them. Then, at the end of the day briefly record what the pleasant event was, what your physical experience was at the time, what your thoughts were, and what you feel as your record the event. You are encouraged to use the “Calendar of Pleasant Events” available for download by clicking this link: PleasEvntCal.pdf

To learn about Mindfulness and the Task of Grief,

please click the links below.

I shall breathe in experiencing serenity.
I shall breathe out experiencing serenity.
I shall breathe in experiencing pleasure.
I shall breathe out experiencing pleasure.
I shall breathe in experiencing perceptions and feelings.
I shall breathe out experiencing perceptions and feelings.
I shall breathe in quieting my mind and body.
I shall breathe in quieting my mind and body.

10th. Century Church, Monbos, France, between Thênac and Eymet. 1992.

"…I just sat quietly, very aware of the connection with all the souls who had come here for succor and devotion through the centuries—and I lit a candle and placed it on the alter and wept as I left."

Patrick Thornton

You feel conspicuous and invisible at the same time. People may be happy or playful and it makes you angry. You can’t figure out how to explain that there are parts of you missing. Can’t anybody help you find them and at the same time just leave you alone? (“Please don’t ask me too much or I’ll fall apart; there are only fragments of me loosely held together.”) Long- ing, fear, anger,doubt

(guilt), restlessness; they will all have their way with you.

There will be some who will think you should get on with your life. Well, that’s what you’re doing.

There will be some who will think you’re indulging in self pity. Others may think you’re self absorbed or depressed, apathetic, passive, avoiding, indulgent, anxious. Well, there’s a name for it; it’s called “grief.”