Loss of Relationship

Calming the busy mind and the troubled heart

James was 84, Mildred (or Millie) 78. They had been married over 50 years. They had worked hard to create a good relationship. They’d gone through difficult times that would rend apart the marriages of many couples. But they went the distance, and as a result there love for each other was the very fabric of who they were, and the bond was stronger than any differences or crisis that might arise, even death. They knew each other in the truest sense.

James had cancer and was not expected to live for more than a matter of months. He sat in his bathrobe, reclining in a lounger that filled much of the small living room.

He was clear and fully present, enjoying each moment that was given him. His only complaint was how long it took the van to carry him to his medical appointments, and the discomfort of being wheeled in to and out of the van.

I asked James where he drew his strength from. With a sweep of his arm, he gestured toward Millie who sat quietly across the room. He looked at her with the coy intimacy of a lover. Millie smiled back from where she sat in a kitchen chair, doing needlework, watching and listening.

I knew then that Millie’s grief over the loss of relationship would be deep. She would grieve the loss of herself as well as the loss of her husband, …and I knew that she would be absolutely all right, even

“A Solitary Place,” Wright’s Beach,

No. California Coast

though I knew the bereavement assessment would identify her as a person at risk of complicated grief.

Role and Relationship can be confused with one another, and it can be very helpful to recognize the subtle yet profound differences.

Role has more to do with performance, such as an actor performing for an audience; or of functionality, such as the purpose or function of a thing or person.

Relationship, on the other hand, is by nature interactive — there is both giver and receiver. Relationship is the function of relatedness and emotional connection. The best and simplest definition of relationship I’ve found is, “the belongingness of mattering to someone who matters to you.”

In relationship we may discover parts of ourself that only exist, are known or seen, or are awakened in the presence of, or in coming together with, the other; a kind of intimacy that poets, philosophers and romantics might know as the divine mystery that we are animated through.

When we speak of the loss of relationship we could describe it as a loss of a sense of “place” with another to whom we matter. It is the loss of part of who we are that on the one hand is autonomous while at the same time only exists in relationship with the other.

In my almost 45 years of working with separation and loss, I’ve learned that the void left by the loss of relationship will never be filled, nor should it. What we can expect and hope for is a context of meaning in which we are able to make room for and allow the void to be part of the wholeness of who we are. Through that alchemy, the darkness of despair is transformed into a sweet sorrow; but only if we allow our self to experience the pain of loss, and to recognize and hold the awareness, and remind ourself that time and patience are needed. There may be the inclination to offer condolences. However, there are occasions when it’s not the time for condolence. There is a time when comfort can only come from within and through the presence of others.

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As I was leaving, Millie took me aside and opened the sliding door onto the small vegetable garden in what amounted to be a yard no larger than a second bathroom. She proudly showed me her tomatoes.

Read more about the aspects of loss through the appropriate link to the right.