Ending of Personal Role

Calming the busy mind and the troubled heart

wife, she would not only have lost her husband, she would have lost a companion, a confidant, a bed-warmer, a handy-man, someone with whom she shared a spiritual practice, a friend, sexual partner, (not to mention a generally pretty nice guy).

When any member of a family is missing, the family system is thrown out of balance. Not only are the old roles lost, they are reconfigured and redefined, and new roles must be taken on. In all of these ways, the bereaved are met with secondary losses that develop out of the primary loss and that in many ways redefine who they are to others and within themselves.

I was a son, a brother and a husband. I am a father, a grandfather and a father-in-law. I am a clergy, a mental health practitioner, an Insight / Mindfulness Meditation teacher, a Thanotologist, a grief counselor and therapist. I am known to others and myself in each and all of these roles. It is the roles we fill in life that imbues, confirms or express meaning and purpose in our life.

When my father died, my role changed to that of the head of the family. When my mother died my role became that of the elder member of the family, when my brother died I became the historian of the family. Were I married and I were to die before my

“The Solitary Road”

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the parent is what kept the parents together, in which case there will be the potential for a secondary loss of the marriage or partnership.

There are also unacknowledged losses that my have nothing to do with the death of a family member or friend. Retirement is a prime example. When a person retires from a job they leave behind a vocation that had become part of the fabric of their life; perhaps a position that held ultimate meaning and purpose for them. They will likely have also left friends and co-workers they had bonded with over the years. Perhaps they had rank or status — such as the regard of others because of their experience, knowledge or insight — a role of the “esteemed” that they only experienced in the context of their work.

They will have certainly left behind an environment in which they were an integral part. When they are out of sorts or depressed, family and friends my attribute it to boredom; they have too much time on their hands, don’t know what to do with themselves. Retirement is something worked for and longed after. And even the retiree may not understand why they should feel so bereft.

The loss of role is not generally recognized as a grievous loss. Friends and family may think that the grieving has gone on much too long. They should get on with their life. In fact, that might be exactly the problem. Getting on with their life may also entail grieving secondary losses — the loss of role and identity. Maybe even an intimacy with a shared experience that was only known from within the context of that role; a context that may be alien to family and friends.

The same tasks of grief apply to the loss of role as apply to the loss of someone who is cherished.

Lack of clarity about the new roles can result in conflicts within the family system. The member who is missing may have kept potential conflicts in a family system in check. If the member who is missing is a child, it may be that the bond between the child and