… For Yourself

    When we are young our understanding of a quality of life is evolving. As we mature we become clearer about what it means to have a quality of life. We discover that the things we acquire and what we do are not what brings quality to our life; they don’t end pain or suffering, they don’t bring peace of mind, they don’t bring contentment. There is always something else we want.

    There is a beautiful poem written by the late American storywriter and poet, Raymond Caver, shortly before he died of cancer.

Late Fragment

            And did you get what

            you wanted from this life, even so?

            I did.

            And what did you want?

            To call myself beloved, to feel myself

            beloved on the earth.

    For Raymond Carver, to be beloved was to have a life of quality for his whole life. 

    In my own Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care, I define a life of quality as “having the capacity to make decisions for myself, and to receive and respond to others in love, faith, and hope.”

    It may be true that, as Ben Franklin said, “nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” Because we know that our taxes are due on April 15th, we plan ahead. What we don’t know is the date when we no longer have a say about the quality of our own life. Yet, as surely as April 15th, that day will also come.

    End-of-life planning and decision-making is the way we can assure a quality of life for our whole life.

    There are many resources available that will assist you with the mechanics of End-Of-Life planning & decision-making. However, few of any of these resources provide counseling services addressing the psychological and spiritual concerns which arise that often complicate the process of planning or decision-making.

… For Others

    As you grow older you may at some point find yourself responsible for the care of a loved one. Perhaps they have not formally made known what a quality of life would be for them.  At the time you are called on to assume their care, they may appear capable of making decisions for them self. But you may not be in agreement with there choices. You may feel the stress, fear or anxiety that they are experiencing clouds their judgment, or that their expectations are unrealistic.

    If you are required to act on their behalf, what do you do? What if their wishes are just not realistic? There might not be the available resources, they may not be well enough informed, or their wishes may not be achievable. What if there are family members who are in disagreement with you over what your loved one would want, or what the compassionate course of action should be? How would you resolve such questions?

    These are the times of life that the best and the worst of who we are will appear. Disputes can arise that leave wounds which may take a long time to heal, or may never heal. Or, there may be past wounds over issues between yourself and the one you are caring for, between your family members and the one you are caring for, or between you and your family members that have not healed. All of these conditions can be devastating.

    Many issues can arise that endanger the quality of your loved one’s life at this most important time. Issues that obstruct the ability of not only you and your family members, but the health care providers to give your loved one the best of care.

    Turning to friends outside the family can be supportive, but my not lead to a solution that meets the needs of all who are affected. Coming to a resolution and a course of action that is compassionate, understanding and realistic may require the help of someone who is impartial, and who is experienced and skilled in working with these needs.